The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
