you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
