I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
