I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
