remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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