my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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