went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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