That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize
