i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
