The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
