It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
