The best revenge is premature balding
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
