im six kinds of drunk right now
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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