I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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