Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
