Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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