Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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