Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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