i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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