garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
