I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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