i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
