Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
