my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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