Your dad touched me again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
