my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
