there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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