Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
