Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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