I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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