You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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