And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
