My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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