I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
