At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
