im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
