phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
