Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
