My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
