My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
