I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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