It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
