The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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