I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
