I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
