and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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