yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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