definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
