Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
