Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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