dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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