he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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