Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
