im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you had me at cake vodka
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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