I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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